Gizmodo editor in chief emeritus Joel Johnson is back , and if you intend he was doling out noogies before , wait til you get a cargo deck of his first column where he scolds you , the Giz writers , the gadget Divine , and you , beloved readers , for supporting the disgusting wheel of gadget whore . Just like the obscure route that your marijuana money have into the Al Qaeda bag , by interpretation , penning , and purchase icky gadgets , we ’re just as guilty as the people who build them .
Consumer electronics are a jest . It ’s everyone ’s fault but mine . You asshole .
These hombre want me to write a weekly pillar , but I hate consumer electronics , I detest selling , and I hate you masses , because you ’re all so dumb . If you ’re golden and I need the money , I will .
I give up two years of my life writing about gadgets for this site . Waking up every morning at 5 AM , chewing up imperativeness releases to come up the rare morsel of legitimate information , chasing down “ hot tips ” that end up being photochops of iPods with reflections of privates in the touchscreens . Oh , and the bad : fielding emails from PR parasites eager to suck away valued time in a half - hour phone group meeting while the Senior Vice - President of Smoke Blowing tells me about how his troupe ’s software — based on an idea cribbed from Google — is move to convert the way I appear at something I did n’t care about in the first place . ( necessarily , “ forever . ” )
And you guys just consume it up . Kept buy icky headphone and wiped out medium twist light-green and dripping with DRM . You break-dance the site , clogging up the piping like retarded Salmon River , to read the latest announcement of the most trivial jerk - off products , completely ignoring the floor about technology actually reach a difference to real human being , because you wanted a new chromed automaton turd to put in your pocket to impress your friends and make you forget for just a few minutes , blood coursing as you tremblingly cut through the bleb pack , that your life is utterly void of any lasting use .
Then you had the audacity to complain about broken in phones , half - assed firmware that bricked your gear , and winner - takes - nothing blazonry races between the companies whose pitch your bought and the hacker who had nothing better to do than try on to fix it . Do you realize how idiotic that is ? Programmers with free time did more to help you get lineament product than you ever did by buy the broken appurtenance in the first position .
hold back buying this crap . Just stop it . You do n’t take it . waitress a twelvemonth until the reviews come out and the other mug too addicted to throw the very latest and superlative buy it , put up a review , and have moved on to something else . Stop buying humiliated product and then shrugging your shoulders when it does n’t do what it is speculate to . Stop buying product that serve any other master than you . expend sometime stuff that works . Make it yourself . Only buy young hooey from companies that have demonstrate themselves full servants of their client in the yesteryear . Complaining online about this stuff helps , but really , just turn back buy it .
You want to know the punchline ? The ordinary Joe that makes up the market is smarter than you saps . The market - at - prominent postponement until a decipherable leader emerges , then take up a modest dip . You may think you ’re making up the “ bleeding edge ” of “ gadget pimpatude ” but you ’re really just a loose alliance of marks the consumer electronics industriousness uses as gratis market inquiry and easy money . “ Give me the latest version , ” you coo , hiking up your wench another inch over your exhibit billfold . “ Point Oh One upgrades make me so red-hot . ”
And for god ’s sake , Gizmodo , give up giving this stuff such a free flip . Stop using terminology that they ’ve programme into you by cast it into your eyeballs via press release after press release . What is this“unleashes”horseshit , Deleon ? You ’re not in marketing . Do n’t write like you are . Thisis patently a not a real merchandise , Frucci . Did you even take the site you linked ? Are you actually writing boosterism - replete copy about ware that do n’t really be ? Oh my god , Wilson , you ’re writing about thathouse - printing machine ? I wrote about that almost three days ago . ( You get a slight pass because I could n’t feel my one-time link in Google because of Gawker ’s inexplicable “ Wheel group O ’ Permalink Syntax , ” but still , you guys are guess to be well - poetize experts about engineering . You should get it on about this material . The C in “ Gizmodo ” is for “ some blooming setting , ” which you should bring home the bacon , even if you only get ante up per cock joke . )
While we ’re on the subject of your torpid , irresponsible written matter , stop calling material “ * tastic . ” specially “ geektastic , ” your slackest - jawed blend . Would you drop that bon Ministry of Transportation test to a charwoman you were trying to hit on in real life ? Of of course you would , because I have it off you guys , and you ’re dork .
Get it together : every undivided one of these consumer electronics company should be approach as the enemy . They work for us . defy their metrical unit to the fire when they say their product is going to convert even a modest part of our lives . Circle back again in six months when they ’re shill the incremental upgrade and demand them why the last variant did n’t dilute the mustard greens . abuse out of your blogging trench and ask yourself what your responsibility is to the tens of thousands of idiots who are reading this internet site right now to determine what they should expend their next payroll check on . They ’ve already proven they ’re too imbicilic to make any wise purchases on their own . ( Remember , Gizmodo was a nexus of argumentation over which MP3 actor was going to “ kill ” the iPod two year after Apple won . ) If you compose like another stupid fanboy who ricochets a pillar of spunk off the roof of his gaping mouth just because something is calendered and expend electrical energy , you ’re just doing the piece of work of the companies trying to get copious selling us broken promise .
Ah . I feel respectable . Did n’t facilitate a matter , but I sense better , and I ’m what ’s important here .
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